Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a constant whining noise. They removed my wife from the car and it's been quiet ever since.

   Save $ decorating your Christmas tree well at the same time confusing your WiFi by placing Aluminum foil in the Paper shredder. Viola Tinsel and sketchy reception.

   A condom is a diaper for your privates

   If I ever get married, I'm thinking it will be closed casket

   Just got my wish list returned from Santa. The note attached said, "LMBO... NO!

   The air outside feels like a Newport menthol 100

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work, and the other half aren't so bright.

   Wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and have them call me when it's ready to be picked up.

   The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page.

   Pro Tip: no one will notice your holiday weight gain if you carry a pie everywhere

   People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders

   I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.

   When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I stayed on the couch with my snacks getting fatter

   Hot older men in your area want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat.

   If smoking weed causes short term memory loss then what does smoking weed do?

   For the ladies still waiting for their prince on a white horse, don't give up! With the recent rises in fuel, it can happen any second now!

   The Joker is safely behind bars. The batmobile's wheels are operational. Robin is a human male, incapable of laying an egg. And I bathe every day!

   I love waving at random people because you know the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the heck you were!

   When I was a kid we didn't have Facebook. We had a drunk uncle.

   Ok, I'm ready for rich people problems. I've mastered broke people problems, so I'd like to move to the next level please.