Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.

   Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

   The saying goes "Always wear cleaned underwear, you never know when your going to be hit by a bus." But isn't it when you get hit by the bus, you SH*T yourself, already ruining your clean knickers?

   As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio

   Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...

   When we were little, why were we so scared of our parents counting to three?

   saw a banana peel in the road today and instinctively swerved to miss it, thanks Mario Kart!

   Statistically speaking 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy!

   I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

   With all due of respect, I would love to be able to walk up to you and offer you a big, nice cup of shut the f*** up.

   celebrating 1 year of sobriety today…I think it was 1972...

   When I walk out naked to get the paper.. Squirrels are in awe

   Dear Mr 21st Century Public Bathroom Door Maker,..... am really tired of having to duck and dodge people when am on the JOHN taken care of busniess can you please make a FULL SIZE DOOR without any DOOR CRACKS on the sides!!!!! gee thanks!!

   Thinks 'employee of the month' is a good example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   If someone's calling from a blocked or unknown number, I like to answer "Hasenfeffer Incorporated, Schlemazel speaking".

   It's amazing the amount of bullsh*t a man will put up with if he has even the slightest thought he might get a piece of ass.

   When I'm drunk and in the woods, I always have the urge to try to juggle squirrels.

   I'd consider being a farmer. As long as I could live on the Pepperidge Farm, and raise Milanos.

   This whole time you've been worried about dying from unhealthy burgers, but now you find out that drinking water with a McDonalds Shrek glass is what's going to kill you. Go figure

   wishing that girl on Maury would hurry up and find her baby daddy already!