Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, at least the war on the environment is going well...

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   A North Carolina waitress was fired for complaining on Facebook about a small tip she received. A lesson to all servers who like to post online complaints: write them where they'll never be seen — on MySpace.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   I try to be tolerant but then other people go and mess it up.

   Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

   I wish I could chop off my fat with a knife, I would rather endure that than a workout!

   You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.

   It's true, our country sucks at soccer....but at least our kids aren't starving!

   smelling the whiskey burning down Copperhead Road.....

   wondering why American sports use terms like "world series" when no other countries play.

   “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

   Back to your bridge you evil troll.... your powers dont work here!

   My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

   thanks dad for not pulling out.! Happy fathers day!!

   Fact of the day... no such thing as an American site unless the website is about America. Football is what's going on in the World Cup... England will wake up and beat Slovenia: Fact!

   u can find smart guys in every corner of the earth..unfortunately the earth is round..

   Got lucky opening an oyster yesterday. I found an oil filter.

   Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

   Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you.