Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make

   Has a theory: If grocery stores just paint the cart returns with handicap blue and build it out of curbing. Then everyone would put their buggies there!

   Smog from wildfires are creating health concerns for resedents in Moscow. More importantly, it's making it difficult for Sarah Palin to see it from her house.

   A note of fact- Under Armor is an clothing designed with exercise in mind. It is not intended to be a girdle.

   the big bad wolf asks little red riding hood for a bj she replies "stick with the story your supposed to eat me." thats my kinda gal

   A Blonde caught a fish and when asked how big it was she said “3 ½ pounds.” Then when asked how long? She said “It took me about 20 min”

   dated a blind girl once. Her name was ::. :.. .:. ::: :.

   From now on, whenever my toilet gets clogged I'm going to call it a "top kill."

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   Stop laughing at Ziggy. He obviously has a medical condition.

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   OMG !!! This Jail Cell gets free Wi-Fi !!!

   wears boxers so my ..... can breathe

   Making mirrors look good, since 1979

   That girl is such a drunk. Every time I'm at a bar she's there.

   Sometimes I regret surgically removing my feet and replacing them with wheels... But not today!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!

   I have a great sense of humor... --If you don't believe me, look at my Ex!