Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and a unforgettable love.

   todays horoscope-Your belief that all of life's problems can be solved by a heart to heart talk and a good nights sleep will be tested when you are introduced to mathmatics.

   Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!

   Wonders: If an astronaut drives a Saturn and a pimp drives an Escort, does a proctologist drive a brown Probe?

   To bad you can't photoshop your UGLY personality...

   If you want a stable relationship.. get a damn horse

   When someone is so sweet to you, don't expect that they will be like that all the time because even the damn sweetest chocolate expires to..

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make

   Has a theory: If grocery stores just paint the cart returns with handicap blue and build it out of curbing. Then everyone would put their buggies there!

   Smog from wildfires are creating health concerns for resedents in Moscow. More importantly, it's making it difficult for Sarah Palin to see it from her house.

   A note of fact- Under Armor is an clothing designed with exercise in mind. It is not intended to be a girdle.

   the big bad wolf asks little red riding hood for a bj she replies "stick with the story your supposed to eat me." thats my kinda gal

   A Blonde caught a fish and when asked how big it was she said “3 ½ pounds.” Then when asked how long? She said “It took me about 20 min”

   dated a blind girl once. Her name was ::. :.. .:. ::: :.

   From now on, whenever my toilet gets clogged I'm going to call it a "top kill."

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   Stop laughing at Ziggy. He obviously has a medical condition.

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   OMG !!! This Jail Cell gets free Wi-Fi !!!