Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's no one I relate to less than my relatives.

   Sometimes I'll text random numbers with things like "Have you ever taken a poop so good it gave you goosebumps?"

   Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?" Me: " Yes, What kind of font is this?"

   I'm debating on a new career path, but can't decide if I would make a better professional thumb wrestler or butt model.

   When somebody says "I'm really bad with directions," that translates to me as "I'm too stupid to read road signs."

   I wonder how we really know that hard work never killed anybody, when the only reliable witness may be dead?

   I'm pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.

   If at first you don't succeed, wait a third of your life and look him/her up on Facebook.

   One thing I learned about a vacation you drive to…. my GPS has a female voice and would make the perfect wife… it sits quietly in the car, never complains about my driving, and when it has something to say - it says something useful.

   You know what I like to do on Facebook? Answer my own questions.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.

   Some days I just feel like the token black guy.

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car!

   I've used up all my sick days, so tomorrow I'm calling in dead. lol

   if your happy and you know it click you "like".........

   Fantasia over doses on asprin, called a home wrecker by cheating with a married mand and even made a sex tape... FINALLY, a celebrity sex tape I will not watch HAHAHA!!

   Amazon always recommends me the things I bought, I mean dude why would I want the same or similar thing again

   Go ahead 'like' my day!

   I hate it when someone text me to call them, then when you call they never answer