Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man, that .01% of germs that can't be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad ass sh*t.

   I hate when I plan out a conversation with someone in my head and they don't follow the script.

   They say behind every successful man is a woman. So whoever you are, come out here where I can see your face!

   "I've just about had it with you using up all my patience!"

   How come nobody ever says "everything happens for a reason" after something good happens?

   this is not a joke.....if an application for a dislike button comes up on your facebook DO NOT OPEN IT....it is a scam.Just thought I'd warn you folks!

   it me or 80% of handicap people don't actually suffer any handicapped situations at all.

   realized his neighbors are devotion Catholic couple. He usually hears them yellin' "Oh! Jesus" every night.

   wondering what Tennesse Titans' nickname is, giving that Jacksonville Jaguars is "Jags" and Tampa Bay Bucaneers is "Bucs".

   A guy preaching in town today said to me"Madam do you believe in the second coming?" I said "with my hushusbandband I'm lucky if I come once!" I'm lucky if

   My wife's an adult film actress....She's going to be furious when she finds out!

   This old lady was tailgating me so I slammed on my brakes...I think I gave her a heart attack, at least thats what the paramedics said

   REALLY in the matrix......would I know though?

   Frank was here....went to get beer...

   it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?......no it is NOT!

   Jesus himself told us that He saw Lucifer fall like a shooting star from Heaven... Just our luck the jerk landed at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

   When a fat chick dies she get her wings, but they're not angel wings they're buffalo wings

   I ate so many Dunkin Donuts at work today I think I'm qualified to be given a badge and a gun

   O Friday, O Friday! wherefore art thou Friday? Deny thy other weekdays and refuse thy work hours. Or if thou wilt not, just hurry up and get here already.

   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."