Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have reasons to believe the term 'More bang for your buck' was first used by Hookers..

   Never go to bed angry - Stay awake and plot your revenge!

   why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

   if you get your information from Oprah, don't talk to me

   Some call it stalking. I call it love.

   Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.

   running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.

   the man from nantucket.

   What a loser I must be, I didn't even qualify to take a freaking free survey

   Condoms hidden, plates and dishes washed, toilet tissue put in dispenser, fruits bought, bed made, bathtub washed, house cleaned and vacuumed, gospel music playing, TV turned on to CNN. MY PARENTS ARE VISITING IN AN HOUR AM SET!!

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

   Any boy can be a dad but only a real man can be a father

   goodnight Mary Jane smoke you in the morning.

   Susan Boyle sings: "Wild Horses couldn't drag me away."Maybe not, but it looks like they gave it a f**king good go, eh Susan?

   Life is like a giant clogged up toilet If only someone was able to fix it...

   Lays is making new diet potatoe chip.....semen flavor... 97.8 percant of women spit them back out

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.

   MTV has 'My Super Sweet 16' and 'When I Was 17.' What's next? 'Officer, I swear I thought she was 18?!'

   If you can't say something nice, we're probably related.

   Sometimes late at night I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.