Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today? John: (crying) I heard the postman tell mom "when the kid goes to school i'ma eat your (CENSORED).

   walking through ICU at a hospital dressed as the grim reaper

   How do you stop a fish from smelling? Plug it's nose

   I'm not sure what I like most about Woman's U.S. Open Tennis.... watching them play or... listening to them play :)

   Women say looks don't matter and all they want is a guy who is smart and funny. But all they end up doing is laughing at whatever the stupid good looking guy says.

   They should really outlaw cursive handwriting nowadays. Especially for the ones who can't spell.

   The jungle is only fun when you are on top of the food chain

   Mirror.. Mirror.. on the wall, out of all my Facebook friends who is the fairest of them all?

   i spend so much time on FB I might get married to someone on my friend list and host a FB wedding lol and Invite all my friend to the Fan Page lmao

   Dear Monday, nothing against you but I'm glad you almost over. Please ease traffic for me. Sincerely, THE TAILGATER.

   This fish smells familiar. I just can't put my finger on it.

   relationship status will changed from "married" to " It's complicated " about once a month.. I love my wife....

   We celebrate Labor Day by not working. Which is kind of like celebrating Arbor Day by paving the backyard.

   I Don't Care what anybody says, Nothing says I Love you more like standing in line for you're girl to buy tampax pearl."

   I just got in a car accident while reading a sign telling me to keep my eyes on the road.

   A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?

   The best don't-drink-and-drive message ever would be if the Budweiser blimp crashed into the Goodyear blimp during a game.

   Hey!!! It's a "pedestrian crosswalk" you douche, not a "leap in front of my car like a freaking maniac walk!"

   OMG, you just lied and your pants really are on fire.

   Should I pick you up for breakfast? or just roll over and kiss you good morning?