Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone just told me to act my age.. I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before.

   Marriage tip: When you're in an argument with your wife, just use the phrase "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong." This will help her realize that you are always correct.

   I used to have a crush on Ana Kournikova but love means nothing to her

   Waking up both horny and single is like finding yourself in a game of solitaire – the action may be one-player only, but it's still a race for a winning hand!

   Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something Fishy going on

   I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.

   I'm not saying I'm fat but, my favorite machine at the gym is of the vending variety.

   Beedo Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bleeda Bee eezz ... you've got mail !!

   Today isn't just for the kids..... it's also an egg hunt for the adults that are procrastinators

   I am exceptionally proficient with profanity. Some say It’s a gift….I say it’s a curse. Lol

   Jesus final words on Good Friday " Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday."

   I don't know what to make for my dinner. In the refrigerator I have two all-beef patties and some special sauce, but I can't think of any other ingredients that I should add to these.

   Not sure why Jesus hadn't figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

   The Trisha Yearwood hit song , She's in love with the boy has been renamed He, she , it , they is in love with the He, she , it , they.

   Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

   Today I took a long honest look in the mirror and I did not like what I saw. (No I'm not feeling guilty about anything, I just look like crap.)

   ME AT THE GYM : WHERE ARE THE STEPPING MACHINES ? GYM RAT : UPSTAIRS BRO ME: TAKES ELEVATOR

   Remember making up fake rules when there is a substitute teacher?

   I bought a lamp made from Citrus fruit, but I refuse to use it. I’m trying to avoid the Limelight.

   After hitting that pothole I can see Spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.