Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looks like somebody ate a bowl of b*tchflakes this morning.

   There must be something about being a teenager that makes it seem really important to have a whole bunch of sh*t hanging from your rearview mirror.

   I dry hump my mattress because I love my bed so much.

   I hate places like airports and stadiums that charge $5 for a water. If I wanted a $5 water, I'd buy a Bud Light.

   I wish my car had a "thanks!" horn in addition to the "get the f*ck out of my way" horn it came with.

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   The heart is the center of the body but beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason the heart is not always right.

   I don't understand why they call them men's dress shoes because they don't go with any of my dresses.

   I don't really care about being judged...as long as its not by a jury.

   I've never lost a water balloon fight since I started freezing the water balloons beforehand.

   The best part about "liking" someones status on Facebook is all 97 notifications for the conversation below between you and your friends.

   Email from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: No subject

   I'm still impressed with the dogs ability to play it cool about having eight nipples.

   If the creators of Words with Friends took a peek at my score they would totally accept FUCT as a word.

   If you say "That reminds me of a good story," I automatically think "This story's gonna suck."

   Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."

   I'm in love with my bed. But my alarm clock won't let us be together.

   I've adopted a highway. Well, technically, I just drive like I own it.

   To err is divine. To blame it on someone else shows presidential potential.

   You look as guilty as a pedophile on parole at Chucky Cheese.