Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i guess its better to be picking daisies than pushing them up

   It's not that I don't like men..Its just that I think they should drink from separate water fountains..

   What's the diference between a woman and a battery? A battery has a positive side.

   A$$ ICONS: (_!_) - Regular A$$ ; (__!__) - Fat A$$ ; ( ! ) - Tight A$$ ; (_*_) - Sore A$$ ; (_o_) - Well used A$$ ; (_e=mc²_) - Smart A$$ !!!!! :D

   Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like Open bars... I could really use a drink right now...

   It's not warm in the car; you're rolling down the window because you farted.

   wants every ending to be a HAPPY ending ! :-D

   has multiple personality disorder and so do i

   Divorce attorney: $3,500. Mediator fees: $575. Court costs: $130. Finally being legally and financially free from that former 'significant other': PRICELESS!

   what's the difference between a women with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick

   ..thinks her computer is so slow, it must be running Windows B.C...

   Some people need to do things to try and impress simply because their personality doesn't

   Amy Winehouse is 27 today...her liver is lookin like 63

   If you fall and break both of your legs, don't come running to me.

   Did you guys hear about the robber that stole a calendar? Yeah, he got 12 months.

   Camping out for video game releases is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   gotta check the mail box but I'm standing at the door naked thinking I can make it and back witout being caught....he goes nothing..really

   Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)

   its peanut butter and jelly time !!!!

   My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.