Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I just contracted herpes in my eyes from watching Jersey Shore.

   I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

   Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"

   There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   If I look at your mouth while your talking to me then CLEARLY I want you to just stfu!

   The movie "The Social Network" about facebook earned 9 million dollars in sales Friday night to top all movies. Imagine what they could have done if those veiwers had dates!

   I hate people with fake names on facebook... Sorry Jamee Snickers Daughtry and Ashley Snookie Capulto you are now defriended

   Loves to see her go but hates to watch her leave

   purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest of us just don't think it's a problem.

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   Zombies make the best boyfriends; they love you for your brain, not your body...

   Thinks......I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying

   Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is??? They don't fancy each other

   Excuse you, I'm in your way ... you should watch where I'm going!!

   I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.