Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

   A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

   A woman's work is never done. Which is probably why they don't make as much.

   playing Words With Foes

   Why do people keep telling me I need a positive attitude? I'm already positive I have an attitude.

   ...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)

   Can I borrow that quarter? Because my mom told me to call home when I fell in love.

   full of whimsical f*ckery

   what you would call an "Anit-Hero"

   a super hero, with NO powers of motivation.

   Shall We Play a Game?

   Thinking rename the Weather Channel: " We are not even close about the weather Weather Channel"

   Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired, but man who run behind car get exhausted

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   ~Heidi Klum & I have resigned as Victoria's Secret models. I wanted you to hear this sad news directly from me and not your crazy neighbor Earle.

   You know you have a Facebook addiction if seeing the movie "The social network" is your Friday night fun!!

   "Give me a scotch. I'm starving."

   The man from U.N.C.L.E.

   Me: Did it hurt? Girl says: What, when I fell out of heaven? Me: No, when you got kicked out of hell for being too hotttt!!