Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P. To my seamonkey Oscar~10-20-84 to 10-26-84. You are missed!

   how do you know you are at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like $h!t

   They just put in a ban of trick or treaters 25 years of age or older... looks like my halloween plans are now changing

   Religion is a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.

   Dear Me, You are the sexiest thing to walk this Earth! Love, Me

   ever have one of those days when you wish you had the Cone of Silence so you could scream your lungs out without anyone hearing you after debating with a friend who is stuck on stupid?

   At my last job, I mixed concrete with a pitchfork.. Under job title on this application should I put ,,Mortar forker?

   Guess facebook is my woman because I wake up and say good morning and whats on my mind

   How do I explain to a coworker, that she is not a size 6…that EVERY pair of pants she wears she has a Camel Toe…and EVERYONE has noticed!

   wonders “Why its called a walkie talkie, yet a vacuum isn't called a pushy sucky???”

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

   I just saw that Harry Potter movie. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?

   met this girl at the pub and she told me her ‘sex was on fire'. She lied. But ironically, now it burns when I piss.

   "The mistakes of the past don't define you... they refine you."

   Worrying Is like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do but in the end, it gets you nowhere.

   Why does the day after payday feel just like the day before payday???

   I remember my first status...

   real eyes realize real lies

   Do me a favor..run your face into my fist really hard..

   I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.