Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone know the over under on people getting trampled to death at the Great Wal-Mart of China next week?

   's sister asked if the dress she was wearing made her ass look big... I told her No!....it was all the crap she ate that made it look big

   Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

   Why are Softballs hard?

   Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on?

   What was the best thing before sliced bread?

   How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   How can there be self-help “groups”?

   If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.

   I want to make you feel like your the only girl in the world LOL jks I got ho's, in different area codes!!

   hopes Prince Harry doesn't wear one of his special party costumes to his brother's nuptuals.

   Thursday is on my mind Facebook!! Now stop asking me that and go bug someone else!!!

   On a scale of 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 how OCD are you?

   Dear Santa.... All I want is access to that "bad boy's" list of yours.

   Today is National Facebook Unfriend Day. I hope you make it to tomorrow as my friend. I just want you to know I'm pulling for you.

   Forget scholarships and honor societies - the highest academic complement is getting an awesome grade on a paper you half-assed at four in the morning the day it was due.

   won't just hit the spot. He will kill the spot & dress inappropriately at the spots funeral.

   has a new slogan for TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants!!!

   Been thinking of things I could do today, leaning towards going to Victoria's Secret and looking around.

   A grown man making snow angels in the yard shouldn't be so strange...dressed in a clown suit playing the bagpipes sure as hell made it weird.