Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hallmark Card: "I've always wanted someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

   Sometimes, late at night, I stop by Walgreens and switch up all the colors in the hair dye kits.

   Just saw the couch I sold at my garage sale at another garage sale

   Decisions are made when I'm tired of thinking.

   Grandma knew 27 spots on the human body where she could inflict pain without leaving a mark. She was like a Ninja.

   Its pretty sad when even your xmas tree has blue balls.

   Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?

   "Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Honk if you love God, text while driving if you want to meet him...

   How did Miley Cyrus get a pack a day smoker voice at 18?

   Ur as slutty as a bowling ball, you get picked up, fingered, thrown down an alley and still come back for more...=P

   This is a 1:1 scale model of a Facebook update.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look without the beer googles.

   Do car companies REALLY think it's possible that a spouse is secretly able to obtain financing, purchase a car, have it wrapped in a bow, and delivered on Christmas Eve?

   Facebook: We're all here because we're not all there

   When I was a little kid I use to wait for Mrs. Butterworth to talk to me but she never did......I HATE HER

   If at 1st you don't succeed, being a magician that saws people in half might not be for you.

   There's a reason stressed is "desserts" spelled backwards!

   checking out your facebook albums hoping to see some bikini photos of your girlfriend.

   All I want for Christmas is for my wife to swallow my egg nog one time!