Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend just said she was leaving me because of my gross habits and childlike behavor.It shocked me so much that I almost choked on my toenail, which would have surely given up my position in the hide-and-go-seek game I was in with my imaginary frnd

   I got an iPod for Christmas, gave my son an iPad, gave my gf an iRon

   My eighty year old neighbor neither agreed with or could conceive the foreign idea of the “I before E” rule isn't that weird .

   I'm pretty damn sure that Starbucks has no idea we're in a recession.

   My car keys are kicking my ass at hide and seek.

   the perfect body.......would someone please help me get it out of my trunk though, it's really starting to smell.

   The difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, its a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, its a grizzly.

   You give that porn actress an award?, she sucks! Nevermind....

   ladies only naked K-Y Twister tournament at my place tonight at 9pm.

   you might be a redneck if You can spit without opening your mouth.

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into a bank yelling “It's my Money and I want it now!” Thanks a lot J.G Wentworth

   Someone just told me that Obama has a concrete plan to solve all economic problems. Would you like to go iceskating? Because I'm pretty sure Hell just froze over...

   I have two Italian grandmothers..I am impervious to guilt.

   This is pure snow! Do you know what the street value of this mountain is?!

   making an army of snowmen to defend my snowfort from the likes of you.

   With all the 300+ horsepower cars they have these days with the expensive 16, 17 and 18 inch tires a 50 dollar burnout isn't very long. But it's not like you have to pay for it right now. Light um up!

   you might be a redneck if the tires on your truck cost more than your truck

   Lets party like a White Guy who thinks he's black and has some black friends but most of his friends are white!!

   - What do women and clouds have in common? Occasionally they f*ck off and it's a really nice day.

   all of you that believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.