Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sarcasm is the bodys defense to stupid people!

   I wanted to watch the Biggest Loser last night... I turned on the TV, and there he was...

   why is it that when a door is slightly open it's ajar but when a jar is slightly open it's not a door?

   grammar - not just a type of school anymore.

   wonders why the Kia Soul commercial doesn't have rats instead of hamsters. I mean, they live in NY, listen to rap music and drive a Kia Soul for Christ's sake!

   a strong man stands up for himself,an even stronger man stands up for others

   It's been said that Obama hasn't had a cigarette in 9 months. If that's true,then why does it feel like he's still blowing smoke up our ass?

   In case you missed the State of the Union address, let me sum it up for you, gay soldiers will win the future by riding high speed trains to salmon farms.

   I decided to eat healthier at dinner so I'm eating two bananas.. Is it too crazy if it feels weird that they don't come with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup... and a side of french fries? :(

   Nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person I just ran over.

   we should have a way of telling ppl their breath stinks with out hurting their feelings like: "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

   If Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth, then explain waiting in line for 2 hrs for a 2 minute ride and the $5 sodas.

   Love,Live,Exist and be loyal. The rest is a piece of cake. You only live once so live your life right

   Today's life lesson: If you can't wow them with brilliance, Baffle them with bullshit.

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union speech: It sucks. We're broke. Quit bitching. Goodnight.

   I wish I could get 3 dollars plus a gallon for MY gas....I mean, it seems to be pretty high octane...........

   Women don't know what they want and change minds often. Lesson over.

   hates it when people say "plan in advance" or "plan ahead". Just say "plan"! Obviously its developed in advance and before, thats what a plan is!

   *Spoiler Alert* Tonight's State of the Union address will go as follows; There are no jobs,gas prices are outrageous, crime is on the rise, and the economy still SUCKS....THE END!