Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sticks and stones my break my bones, but...ahhhh he!! what did you just say B!t@h! ?

   I spread you before I eat you, I use my tounge to get you off, sometimes I lick your nuts.....mmmmm I love peanut butter

   watched American Idol for the first time tonight. I think I figured out why every one likes it so much. You get to see peoples dreams come true and get shattered all in one show. You don't get that anywhere else.

   you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.

   Don't you hate when people know your are lying, and they know that you know that they know you are lying, but still nobody says anything......lol so #awkward

   Plan B includes margaritas.

   anxiously waiting on my picture of the person i'm going to be supporting under the new obama care health insurance.

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.

   Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?

   I don't care what my boss says, according to this fortune cookie I will soon get a promotion at work.

   Who needs a ladder, when you have a chair...and some toes.

   thinking of practicing random acts. Curb your excitement and hold your applause, I never said they were going to be "of kindness"...just random.

   I don't brag at all because I'm just that wonderful.

   I wish comicbook disguises worked in real life. A pair of glasses would open some many possiblities for me.

   each one of my 6 personalities has its own Facebook page.

   I thought about plugging my computer keyboard into my music system, but realized that would be stereotyping.

   if it looks, walks and talks like a duck but it smells kinda fishy, it's probably a Democrat trying to keep their office...

   Animal planet really makes it hard for me to enjoy The Lion King. =(

   Love is like wildflowers; It's often found in the most unlikely places, take the brothel for instance.

   Every path has its puddle; where as, every Cosby has his pudding.