Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit? -Mr.President...

   Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.

   Life in Kentucky is weird, for example we can't make ice anymore because the old lady with the recipe died

   Some people identify as non-binary. That means there are two categories: Binary and non-binary. Therefore, even if you identify as non-binary, you're still binary.

   2023: Where pizza crusts are made from chicken, hamburgers are made from plants, and milk is made from nuts.

   Instagram: A display of women with zero self-respect and we men are ecstatic over it.

   They say do something today that makes the world a better place….so I’m getting drunk.

   Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding this past Saturday..

   Camp Lejeune bottled water is now outselling Bud Lite.

   What do you call a snowman in July? ...a puddle

   Meet hook the roofie

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is "What are you in for?"

   I have trouble always mixing my metaphors. I don't know why. It's not rocket surgery.

   I planned to graduate Camping School but I failed Tent Grade.

   Every time I get an eyelash in my eye I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild..

   From Thunderdome .....to funeral home. RIP Tina Turner.

   I think it is so unfair that I have to manage my anger because other people can't manage their stupidity.

   Stop saying you support local businesses when you eat at chain restaurants, shop at big box stores, and only attend major league sporting events.

   Playing cooking simulator

   There is no need for Rolling Stones tribute bands. The real Stones are bad enough.