Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   Home Depot is almost out of orange safety vests.

   I am now challenging 3 million Facebook users too send me a 1.00 cashapp $MgTimTim

   I was stuck for a costume. GARBAGE. That’s perfect.

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   If I weigh 99 pounds and I eat 1 pound of nachos, am I 1percent nacho?

   I am only the bigger person in an argument because I am fat, remember that

   That was terrible referring to Puerto Rico as a floating island of garbage. Everyone knows it's Haiti.

   Just for old times sake, I checked in on my Farmville. It's now a Wal-mart.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. first became angry.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   I have no idea what a HD is but the doctor just told me I have 80 of them Fuckers.

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   If there's a 'z' in the middle of a last name, they're Italian. If there's a 'z' at the end of a last name, they're bean poppers.

   Settle an argument.. If a man is doing laundry and sneezes is it ok to blow his nose in a pillowcase?

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.