Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise.

   It may take a village to raise a child. But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.

   FACT: If you don't own a suit, you get to stay in your twenties forever.

   It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

   The two big events seem to be the Royal Wedding, and the NFL draft, Why not combine the two and see What postion does William take Kate in the First Round!!

   Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?

   In honor of those who would if they could… I'm going back to bed.

   I can confidently say I'm 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.

   Right now, millions of people are mourning the fact that their President was born in this country.

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.

   heard Barack Obama is demanding to see Donald Trump's death certificate.

   Why are the people who tell you to calm down always the ones who pissed you off in the first place?

   thinking since we can get President Obama to show us his birth certificate... I'm now wondering if Sarah Palin's boobs are real? ;)

   Hey, hustler on the corner... you know what drug I would buy from you? Claritin-D 24... but you never have any.

   Went bowling last night.... because I like jamming my thumb where a million other people have jammed their thumbs.

   Am I the only one who has ever deleted a 'friend' just to use their status that was funny?

   Royal Wedding+Media=Dead Horse

   the only thing I find more interesting than the royal wedding right now is everything else

   I hate when I have a dream about fighting someone and then waking up and being pissed at them for no good reason

   If facebook is going to block me from making new friends then it shouldnt suggest them at all