Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

   Well, like I said to my television the other day watching Brandon. How can these people be so stupid?

   Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

   Everyone talks about global warming, but what about global humidity?

   If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don't mind it at all.

   Common sense is like deodorant... The people who really need it never use it.

   What if the real Slim Shady is in a wheelchair?

   Daddy..what's a transvestitie? Go ask your mother he'll tell you

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   The Bible is like a Boob Job. The book is real and the boobs are real. It's the stuff inside that's fake.

   Stop being a butthole. There. Now I’m your life coach.

   Marriage tip 101: If your wife asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym just like she runs her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   They should change the name of the Bible to: "The Big Book of Contradictions, Fairy Tales and False Promises."

   What does it say for Climate when the NHL ice hockey playoffs are played during the Summer between one team in Florida and the other in the dessert?

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

   I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

   Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

   It is sad that jokes about Brandon are about the only witty things some people ever say. Even then, it isn't even that witty since they apply to both of the latest presidents.

   Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis