Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and WILL be used against you... So use your right to remain silent!

   There have been a lot of tasteless jokes about the lost Titan submarine. How could people sink so low?

   TITAN? More like TiN cAN. RIP Explorers

   A vessel that didn't undergo a certification process, had issues on all of its previous dives, and was operated utilizing an aftermarket video game controller. What could possibly go wrong?

   Titan sun

   Only rich people can figure out a way to die on the Titanic 111 years later.

   It doesn't require artificial intelligence to know that artificial sweeteners taste bad.

   Would boiling water in a balloon work in a water balloon fight? Asking for a friend 

   If we use feathers to tickle each other, what do birds use?

   Juneteenf

   “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”

   Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

   Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

   Marriage tip: If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   All of you, my friends are like boobs. Some of y’all are real, some are fake. But all of y’all need to be pinched.

   I bought some potting soil on Sale. You might say it was "dirt cheap".

   They say vapor-rub is good for a stomach ache.. but I think it tastes terrible.. and it gave me diarhrea...

   Trying to get used to this new AI app that's supposed to correct your grammar but it's changing stuff without my permission and I'm starting to think that it has a mind of its PAY NO ATTENTION TO THIS MAN. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS HARMLESS.

   big butt

   My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.