Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to write a bunch of nonsense on Facebook walls when I'm drunk and announce the next day that my account was hacked.

   I wonder if we're "homed people" to them...

   It's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

   wonders why other peoples dumps smell worse then your own.

   says As a young child Bell, Biv, Devoe taught me the most important life lesson----Never trust a big butt and a smile....that girl is poison

   Back in my day there were only 151 Pokémon...

   Every girl wants to be the one that makes a player quit the game. But sometimes that's like being the zebra that wants to turn a lion into a vegetarian.

   So, I'm single again, this time with no intentions of looking for another girl, this time I'm letting her find me.

   you can always tell if there's a police car in our area... Everyone in our street flushes their toilets at the same time!

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   Lets cut to the chase here...How much will it cost me to get laid around here?

   She called it off because she found out she wasn't in the will.

   Don't worry Hef, Playmates are like buses, another one will come along in 30minutes.

   Hugh Hefner dumped at the alter! Thats sad after he wasted those whole 2 months getting to know her.

   let's jump to 2050, when I'm at the bingo hall checking out the hot little number with the walker and tramp stamp

   Calling all my ex girlfriends today to tell them I have herpes. I don't really have it, I just don't want any of them to sleep with other people.

   There'd be less accidents if there was a texting lane.

   just bought a new pack of socks to avoid doing laundry tonight.

   Love...it takes hostages and shows zero remorse.

   The best way to win an argument is to play dead.