Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I slept in this really nice hotel, the towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase

   My Wife:"Honey the sales add says the dealership will make it easy for husbands to get a new car for their spouse this weekend!" Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   Netflix is raising their prices again?! This sounds like a job for Hacker Group Anonymous!

   think I will go to the mall and watch people trip on an escalator

   We were so enamored that we forgot to check his qualifications

   Describe myself in one word? Okay....Handsomesexyintelligentfunny.

   they're are moments in life. Moments when you know u've crossed bridge and your old life is over. I'm into action. I have arrived!

   How can you tell when your wife is dead? Well the sex is pretty much the same but the dishes start piling up.

   My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.

   There aren't any good slogans for condoms because there aren't any themes... Make some Harry Potter ones... "Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets."

   You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.

   In our darkest moments we sometimes find a way to shine. Or smash a knee on the corner of a coffee table that you wanna toss into the fireplace.

   I got kicked out the pool today,apperently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was

   If you stalk a regular 16 year-old girl and take photos of her, you'll be arrested. But if she's famous, you'll be hired.

   Do I have an iPhone? Dude my phone has snake on it, does that answer your question?

   At lunch, and just ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

   The person who coined the phrase "Laughter is the best medicine" probably never received Demerol during his hospitalization.

   Nothing important, move along....

   Told one of my favorite co-workers she drew her eyebrows on a little too high one morning a few years back. I've never forgotten how surprised she looked.

   I don't want to brag but if kissing was a city, I would be its mayor.