Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew this hurricane would be lame. After all, they named it after a chinese lady with one leg.

   If you are really "friends" with that many people on facebook, why are you alone standing in front of a mirror taking a picture of yourself? Cant you get one of your 867 friends to take it?

   Peace & quiet are fundamental and necessary for a short time each and every day :)

   It's not the getting up and getting ready for work that I hate. It's the 8 hour wait to go home that's the b!tch

   in the famous words of Pepe Le Pew "Le Monday, you le suck!"

   You know if I was the ruler of my own country and I thought the people were gonna revolt against me...I would probably give them free rice krispies treats...Cuz aint no way you could stay mad at someone whose giving you free rice krispies treats...

   Its shake weight time, minus the shake weight.

   My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

   There are basically only four ways to handle Mondays; get around it, get under it, get through it, or get the f*ck over it.

   I wouldn't say she was fat but she has to wear a G-rope.

   I see they now have a candle scent called "Maple Butter". Nice, but "Maple Butter with Bacon" would be oh so much better.

   To all the people who failed out of high school, just remember two things: 1) At least you tried your best, and 2) I said NO tomatoes on my burger, b!tch!

   Once you go Facebook - You never go back.

   A man buys a box of tampons for his old lady, and the cashier asks, "Do you want me to put these in the bag". The man replies, "No, I think she can do it by herself."

   Dear Michele Bachmann, Hurricane Irene was a warning from God... That you SHOULDN'T run for President in 2012. Best Regards.

   My friend posted on Facebook saying, "Rhianna is the greatest artist evar <<<<3" For some reason she got annoyed when I said, "No way, Chris Brown beats Rhianna any day!"

   Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?

   You want a perfect girl? Go buy a Barbie.

   Fellas: Silence doesn't always mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

   "I wasn't that drunk" 'Dude, you were in my closet yelling "Where's Narnia"