Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: Having a male friend is a lot like having a pet tiger. Sure its fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day it turns on you.

   Arsenal fans didn't have breakfast today; apparently they 8 - 2 much yesterday

   Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.

   Here's something you'll never hear, "Oh cool, you have a pink lighter."

   Nothing personal, but if you're wearing one of those new plastic & velcro boot/cast things, stay the f*** away from me.

   I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.

   I wonder if Kayne West will redeem himself when Beyonce's baby is born, like ripping it from her arms and handing it to Taylor Swift

   I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

   Any post that doesn't have to do with Dumbo is simply irrelephant

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!"

   All good things come to those you hate. While you sit and wonder why this is true, the one you hate is enjoying their life while you just sit there and wonder why.

   When non-smokers come to My house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   There's no better person to have as your friend than a bartender who doesn't give a f*ck.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them.

   I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.

   Hey, I found your nose, it was in my business again!

   it just me or has the iPhone gone from spell correction to straight up "no no you would much prefer THIS random word" correction?

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?