Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see me in the next few days, just assume I’m either shopping, wrapping, baking, or pretending I’m not panicking.

   The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to wrap everything you own in tinsel and hope for the best.

   My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.

   Dancing: The musical activity for people who can't play an instrument.

   To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377. Hope that helps.

   If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

   I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

   Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

   If you talk about others it's gossiping. If you talk about yourself it's called bragging. I guess there's still the weather !

   It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

   Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

   The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

   He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

   They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

   Baby Shark says, doo, doo, doo, doo

   Do you smell what I smell?

   Knick-knack patty-whack

   Hip hop, flip-flop

   Too bad, sooooo sad

   Mary kiss-a-moose