Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello 911 a straight man is encouraging me to be my best self instead of bringing out the worst in me and idk what to do, send help.

   I'm not sure what Rage Against the Machine is a raging at, but it is probably a printer.

   Think about this: The most fun part of golf is when it's your turn to hit the ball. So why is it that the more turns you get the less fun you have?

   Anybody ever find out what the knights in white sat in ?

   Foot fetish screw them feet!!!

   I don't understand how I feel like crap and am sick all the time when I drink 8 glasses of water a year like they tell us to .

   Instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud...

   I'd try Taco Bell's breakfast but I don't start drinking that early.

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the Dumocratic Convention?

   Even to this very day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

   I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

   Guys lose their minds over a smelly, hairy hole that emits urine, blood and babies. Trust me, I'm one of those guys.

   Stinky

   My neighbors were up shouting all night. It got so bad I could barely hear my Bagpipes.

   I don't know if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   I'm looking to date

   Tony Bennett passed away. I heard he donated his organs.He left his heart to San Francisco!

   Attention model wannabes on Instagram: Doesn't it bother you a little that 99% of the men who drool over your photos have names written in Aramaic and Sanskrit?

   Local cover bands who think they're "it"... Drive 100 miles somewhere away from town and walk into any store or restaurant. I guarantee no one will recognize you.