Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’ His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

   This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie: “If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

   One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

   If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

   Donald’s New Year countdown: 10, 9, 8… wait, is Greenland for sale yet?

   In Canada, we start the New Year with resolutions. Trump starts with delusions.

   Trump says he’s all about fresh starts for the New Year—except for his hairline, that stays the same.

   Dear Eric, Canada isn’t for sale. But feel free to borrow some Canadian snow to cool down your dad’s hot air.

   A Charlie Brown Christmas, but the tree is Eric Trump’s brainchild: flimsy, artificial, and overinflated by Dad’s credit card.

   Donald Trump’s obsession with Canada is like his tanning lotion: unnecessary, over-applied, and a little sad.

   Don't expect any New Years resolution from me. I intend on staying the same awkward, outspoken delight you have all come to know and love.

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

   Why does everyone fall on the floor laughing when I tell them I've been good this year?

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.

   A friend will be there with tissues. But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat saying, "Who hurt you and do I need a shovel"?

   WOW, This cold Medina tastes funky

   Christmas is an illusion. It's based on 2 fairy tales. One features a guy in a red suit, the other in a crummy stable without Netflix.

   I upset my wife the other day. I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

   I'm mad about how fast my life went from MySpace to MyChart.

   If the president-elect (Donald Trump) wants Canada as the 51st state, we’ll send him a box of Snow, Poutine, and Free Speech to remind him we’re better off up north.