Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   It's been said that if you have to explain a joke, then it isn't one. But if you're explaining a joke to an idiot, then it's still a joke that the idiot didn't get.

   Robert Kraft fired Patriots coach Jerod Mayo. This was clearly condiment related.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   The Fires are God punishing California for voting for Kamala.

   Zuckerberg says Fact Checkers are the problem. Fact Checkers say that's False.

   Pickleball is ghey

   California is on fire. Good.

   Wife: Honey, does this make me look fat? Me: If you ran at the gym just like you run your mouth at home, you wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Itss so cold outside my finngers are so numb rightt now I could barely tftppye

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical. It's like the trash took itself out.

   You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: Facebook.

   Everyone picks their nose at some point, it's what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.

   What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common? The fear of not making it home.

   If my coworker is getting beat up, better believe I'm jumping in to help. Because I ain't covering anybody's shift.

   Remember when we had to smack the TV because it wasn't working right? I feel that way about some people.

   Snow is merely rain, rain that doesn't go away. It hangs around for days and days.

   You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish

   The "impending snowstorm" is just a conspiracy by Big Weather to get you to buy more milk, bread, and toilet paper.

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