Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I WENT AND PUT MY SYMPTOMS ON WEB MD. TURN OUT I HAVE GARY BUSEY DISEASE .

   I couldn't afford one of those DNA/ancestry kits, so instead, I posted that I won the lottery.

   Word of the Day: Bozone. The aura surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

   The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be Happy . Now I live with 6 Dwarfs and work in a forest..

   Yeah, yeah. You're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but they're my arms and legs and I can't leave them at home.

   Instagram: Hispanic women with big rear-ends whose entire bodies will resemble pumpkins with legs when they turn 50.

   I call my peeniss Joe Pesci, because I haven't seen that little guy in years.

   If I comment on your post “Nice filter, are you gonna block me?”

   Song Wrecker . Someone who you can't listen to a certain song without having a bad flashback to ?

   I can never find my college Alma Mater's football games on TV. I attended FU. It's the only school that'd accept me. I graduated Smegma Cum Lordy.

   A blonde finds out she's going to have twins and starts crying. "What's wrong," the doctor asked, "Do you not want twins?" The blonde replied, "No, I don't know who the second dad is!"

   Jimmy Buffett sat on a tuffet Drinking his Tanqueray When along came a drunkard A pothead had skunkard And folks in Key West are all ghey..

   passing away to margaritaville

   RIP Jimmy Buffett. The Hurlburger's in Paradise.

   Time travel is real, but you just don't know it,......yet

   Why did God create economists? Because he didn't want meterorologists to be the only people wrong all the time.

   My name is, P01135809

   I won't be participating in the 2023-2024 Wuhan Flu Games!

   More like your meth smoking mama driving in the left lane on I-95.

   I said to the waiter, "This fish is dry." And he said, "Yes sir, we had to take it out of the water."