Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Damn, I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   Some people say I'm missing a few screws. Truth is I lost the whole toolbox.

   70 % of the World is water, none of it carbonated, therefore the Earth is flat.

   I miss the days when Иiggers knew their place.

   Listen, baby, I can deal with the herpes, the gluten intolerance, and the irritable bowel syndrome. But I will not date someone who listens to music through their phone's speaker.

   my emotional support animal is a chicken. Four piece with a biscuit.

   My neighbor lady has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face..

   But... Crazy people have more fun.

   did not wake up this morning. I came to.

   what would happen if you're scared half to death twice

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your social media activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You're all crazy.

   I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak. (another great post by Gary K.

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People??

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from all women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

   thinks that Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   Not going to happen! I'm the king of lame comedy and I love it!

   You are one big kunt.

   GaryKoenig, please stop with horrible jokes. You're the lamest asshole on social media.

   No Epstein files will be released. Hunter Biden is not going to be President. AOC isn't either. Trump's not going to prison, neither is Obama. Cut the partisan nonsense already, you numbskulls.

   6 am too early to drink