Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. first became angry.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   I have no idea what a HD is but the doctor just told me I have 80 of them Fuckers.

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   If there's a 'z' in the middle of a last name, they're Italian. If there's a 'z' at the end of a last name, they're bean poppers.

   Settle an argument.. If a man is doing laundry and sneezes is it ok to blow his nose in a pillowcase?

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

   He even fixed the ice cream machine 🍦

   I don't stand for women's rights. I sit for them... and have them bring me a sandwich and a beer.

   Clocks go back on November 3. I hope mine goes back to when people had morals, values, loyalty, appreciation, and respect.

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

   To all politicians: Keep sending me texts and I can promise you one thing - I won't be voting for you!

   I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said, "If it gives you more trouble let me know".

   To be a parent you have to be very patient who here considers themselves to be very impatient. Me too

   They warn you not to drink the battery contents because the previous generation did

   I went scuba diving once and the instructor pointed out a shark and I swam toward it. When we got back up top on the boat he asked, "I pointed out a shark and you swam toward it? What the fuck?" Without missing a beat my wife said, "He's been swimming to