Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Regarding the recent helicopter/airplane crash, I submit to you this: Flying is for the birds.

   Someone threw a jar of Mayonnaise at me! I was like, What the Hellman!?

   I used to care what people thought of me until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions.

   I'm not as mean as I could be. And I want people to be more grateful for that.

   We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.

   With subpar graphics and absolutely no plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played

   being insane should at least burn calories

   The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

   If you ever drove a car without any power steering, you can literally fight anybody and win.

   I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards. He said not now.

   Last night my wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I went and took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

   Shake and shake the ketchup bottle; None will come, and then a lot'll.

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you?

   The only people who don't want the Redkins to go back to being called the Redskins are ghey sissies who don't watch the game in the first place.

   I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

   Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

   Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

   Look at that, one day into office and Trump ended Global Warming

   I just had a cop knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both as he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

   In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want wait in line for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.