Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're feeling down becausecoffee your dating life, just remember, Matt Gaetz didn't have a high-school date until he was 38-years old.

   I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

   Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

   Me: (Sneezes) Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

   Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

   So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

   Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

   I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

   I’ve decided to become a Disney princess* *pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

   Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed. I jiggled the change in my pocket.

   In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

   “can we contact your previous employer to find out what you were like on the job?” sure as long as I can contact your previous employee to find out what you did to drive them away

   have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

   An educational show for children about the importance of treating your toys nicely: Breaking Bad

   I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele But here we are

   Alright good work team, we’ve made all the ship jokes and we can stop now

   in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

   [Restaurant] Waiter: Sir would you care to choose your lobster? Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’

   Can't the black folks just use the same ID they showed to get vaccinated to vote?

   I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...