Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most problems can be solved with nudity

   OK. Who decided to call it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

   My wife weighs a ton. She wanted to get her belly button pierced . She got a hitch.

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   I'm tired of winter! I want to fast-forward to complaining about how hot it is!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   I left my heart in San Francisco. Last I heard it was living in Tent City with a pimp named Tiny Johnson.

   How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing it’s on the house!

   Natalie woods told Robert Wagner, "You haven't got me wet in years", he said, "oh yeah, watch this".

   buttcheeks one word or do you have to separate them?

   There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those losers has decided to become Batman

   They opened a restaurant on the moon. Great food, but no atmosphere.

   If anyone’s wondering what to get me this year all I want for Christmas is summer.

   90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today. The other 10% made it all the way home.

   Them: What kind of person are you? Me: I'm a place or thing, thank you.

   CUNT !

   Blunt

   Gobble till you wobble!

   Not a lot of great things listed in Craigslist free section today. Unless any of you guys would like a slightly used mattress for Christmas?

   Why do we say "half a dozen" when it is easier to say "six"?