Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?... More like Rudolph the Brown-Nosing Reindeer.

   I have exciting news. Today I used a piece of plywood, that I've kept in my garage since 2003, incase I might need it.

   I find it interesting how some women won't date a man that lives with his mother, but will date a man that lives with his wife.

   I'm a hot guy. Even Lesbos like me.

   It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas. It was the power bill, the gas bill, the water bill, the phone bill, rent, insurance, car payment, not to mention grocery prices.

   My ability to remember all of the lyrics from the 80s, Far exceeds my memory of why I just walked into the kitchen..

   I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

   If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

   Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

   Adam: oh look the McRib is back Eve: stop calling me that!!!

   Medical Tip: If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office... keep walking.

   We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

   Sorry I shot your minivan, but it's hunting season and it had antlers.

   Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   Do Lions count Sheep befor they fall asleep

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   I asked my dentist "What will make my teeth whiter? He said "Try polish." I said "OK, Co sprawi, że moje zęby będą bielsze?

   Just a reminder: Walmart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families.

   Has Missouri ever done a tourism ad with the slogan ‘Missouri Loves Company?’ If not, what is even the point of Missouri?

   November should have one more day because to me November 31st sounds real. NOT just because I wrote it on a cheque.