Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

   Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

   If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

   Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

   The only thing that distinguishes us from dogs is their ability to learn from their mistakes

   I've made some terrible life choices over the years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions.

   If you don't own a dog whistle then you can always use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   Even though I'm feeling it, I don't believe in this extreme heat I'm feeling.

   Worshiping a piece of fabric is what life is all about.

   Well it looks like Richard Branson is going to win the millionaire space race which is one small step for Richard one giant leap before Jeff Bezos.

   You know what 50 Cent did when he got hungry? 58. Please don't delete me.

   I’ve heard you should do one thing that scares you each day so today I’m going to walk into my son’s room without holding my nose.

   My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents. He knew all week. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.

   The guy who named the "Chimichanga" should really be given more authority to name things

   If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 24 old ladies.

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. He's been divorced 3 times... Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.

   The best part about being over 50 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.