Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the hardest things to do when you're playing toys with a 5yr old is to let him beat up ur superman action figure with the robinaction figure he's using without explaining to him why that would nevereverevereverfuckinghappen....ever

   Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick

   Funny how people who keep saying "I'm always there for you" are usually the ones responsible for your miserable life.

   Being heard is something, but being felt is a whole different thing.

   As long as we don't let our feelings get in the way, this could be the start of something beautiful.

   My favorite dish at restaurants is the wi-fi password.

   Actually Ke$ha, I think the rest of us don't want to die young. But you should definitely go ahead without us.

   All these New Year's facebook invites. Go see a $hitty band 2,000 miles away. A smoke filled rednekk bar 1,000 miles away. Or stay home and get sauced with a hot blonde in a Frederick's outfit. What to do what to do....

   Just because I tell you that I love you does not mean I really do. I might be drunk. Or just really, really horny.

   I tried that "Take a laxative to stop coughing, you'll be afraid to cough" remedy. It was going great....until I sneezed.

   Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog

   If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!

   I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. They would have left the light on for me if they had one.

   If you live by the sword, I guess that's pretty cool. I live by some trees and other houses

   To all my Friends: I need to be more active & spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook for the year . I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st. Thank you for understanding, I'll miss you all dearly

   "You are what you eat" That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...

   The only productive part of me today is my liver.

   Jack "THE" Ripper and Winnie "THE" Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not...

   when you do something because you want to do it is when you will be most successful

   i love when rich people compliment me on things that I spent less than $5 on