Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   Gen X. Living in the shadows of Baby Boomers, yet not as identifiable as Millennials. A generation of nothingness whose sole contribution to society is giving birth to Gen Z. Those annoying imbeciles.

   I rolled over too fast in bed and sprained my fat roll !

   My friend is single and middle-aged. I think she might be Catholic. Sorry, I mean cat-holic.

   I've got people who love me because I'm me. I've got people who hate me for the same reason!

   Whoppers all around for Martin Burger King Day.

   There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a “Kids Eat Free” promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved

   Chip clips are for quitters!

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   Prophecy class canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.

   I don’t date anymore I just foster women until they find their forever homes

   It's so cold outside, I saw a guy in the ghetto pull his pants up.

   accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

   What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill A lambslide

   "When one door closes, another one opens"! -Boeing

   I'm so old that I remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer.

   I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse today. I named it Jake from Steak Farm.

   We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.

   Cant' wait for the Bidens sentencing day.