Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes by April 15 because 30+ million illegal aliens are depending on you

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   People who cheat on their taxes disgust me...this is not the world I want to raise my 32 dependents in! 😉

   If what you have to say to me is going to take longer than the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" just don't! I won't be listening anyway

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I once dated a woman who wore crotchless underwear. After our 3rd date, she said, "Hey, big boy. You want some of this?" I said, "Heck no. Look what it did to your underwear!"

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   This is our Mahoment!!

   Due to popular demand, the Kansas City Chiefs are changing their name to the Kansas City Swifties.

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   I burned 1000 calories avoiding someone I know at Walmar

   AI photos are like instant mashed potatoes. You can easily tell they're weird, tasteless and nowhere near the real thing.

   Me: [donating my body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill] Goodwill: [Leaves body on their lawn, with a sign that says "Free..please take!"] 🤷

   Taylor Swift is worth $1.1 billion, yet you imbeciles let her live inside your skulls rent free.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.