Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know much of what happened in Judge Jackson's confirmation, but I do know she did not cry and said she liked beer.

   Now, show me on the doll where Hunter Bidens Laptop touched you...

   If I was a cr4ck addict, I might drive to another state to drop off a laptop and then forget about it.

   You may be the sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

   My anger management class pisses me off...

   When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.

   A very big shout out to all those people who wrote the answers in our textbooks, when we were in school.

   My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness

   The phrase "bang for your buck" isn't what I thought it was.

   6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

   Global warming won't kill us. The zombie apocalypse is a different story.

   People who don't swear haven't had the right food and sex.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wan go home...

   The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone to blame it on.

   You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

   As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking. As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

   Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

   Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.

   I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

   Every dang time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .