Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it is rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

   To everyone who wrote "Stay Cool" in my middle school yearbook, I have some devastating news.

   What do you say to someone with a black eye? Nothing, they’ve already been told.

   Almost forgot the internet has porn.

   Smell that? Time for Joe’s diaper change.

   The best response is always followed by a saucy wink.

   Kamala chases more balls than a puppy.

   Joe looks like Nancy’s vagina.

   If I say I’ll be there in a few minutes, stop calling me every hour.

   Clicked on a strange message and now it burns when I pee.

   If you hear a woman scream in the dressing room, it’s because they found my hidden camera.

   My walls are full of cotton candy!

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm.

   DC Comics introduced its first-ever transgender character. The character is called "Wonder If It's a Woman."

   FACT: The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions.

   A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

   If I ever start a band, I'm going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you're listening to.

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   Well I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”