Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have Borderline Personality Disorder. My personality becomes disordered when illegals cross our borderline.

   Bricks are just domesticated rocks

   The bird, the bird, the bird is the word!

   Johnny Depp doesn't need to wear a mask in court because he has Heard immunity.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a Fold cycle? Come on. It's 2022 for chrissake. Work on that.

   I will not to be outdone by Elon Musk....I'm announcing my Acquisition of "My Space" for $24.99...

   Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

   No one sees what you see, even if they see it too.

   Spell your crush’s name backwards ~ Dnufer Xat

   If he drinks his whiskey straight, he’ll do that thing you like.

   Ladies, love your man like them bi!ches in your head do.

   When a woman laughs during an argument, the psycho part of her brain has just been activated. Abort mission.

   Cat ~ I showed you my butthole, please respond.

   Never treat a Lady like an object, it hates that.

   It’s called Karma, and it’s pronounced ~ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

   When you’re alone, the outside world is moving along without you. You’re also moving along in your own world, without them.

   To mix things up, take her wig off and put it on your head.

   People who think men can get pregnant are suddenly concerned about misinformation on Twitter if Elon owns it.

   If gas prices get any higher, I'm gonna have to file for 'tank-ruptcy

   tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.