Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because she might be a man. Women don't do that.

   she is never yours, its just your turn.

   All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

   When your phone dies and you realize you're jealous

   I'm very angry because I wasn't wearing my glasses at the store and I bought curry powder instead of the saffron I needed. I'll make use of it; I'm just mad about saffron.

   Likes his own stuff and not funny

   I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive.

   Those who dismiss progressive rock as being pretentious are most likely part of the crowd that only knows 3 chords.

   Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google Drive. He'll only accept a WhatsApp doc.

   There are people who think the moon landings were staged, the holocaust never happened and the earth is flat. Yet they hang on every word on the message found inside a fortune cookie.

   Somethings in life I’ll never understand, like how there could be a group on Facebook called Facebookers Anonymous, thats like walking into an open bar where their holding an AA meeting.

   While you're cheering for your favorite NFL team in a publicly funded stadium, how about publicly funding some disadvantaged child's school lunch?

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   Did our government only admit to UFO's because we're going to start sending their planets money for aid?

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   Did my taxes and discovered I still owe Ukraine $4000.

   I am positive that there isn't life on any other planets ! If there was Trudeau would have sent them money

   I always thought it was "Blew by you"