Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girlfriend is a slut

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   The police chief found Waldo dead in his apartment from a self-inflicted gun shot wound. Maybe instead of us asking "Where's Waldo?", we all should have been asking "How's Waldo?"

   Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

   And yet again this morning No one was standing Next to my bed Saying Your Royal Highness here is your coffee.

   McDonald's is the only restaurant I know that repeats everything you said and still gives you the wrong order. 🙀

   Arguing with me is pointless, I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.

   My ex just texted me, "Wish you were here". She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

   I dont like my eyes, they show me things I dont want to see.

   If life hands you lemons, go find a kid with a papercut and make his life miserable.

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   They say you can't turn a Ho into a housewife, but thanks to Only Fans , you can turn a housewife into a Ho . 😉

   Money can't buy you happiness. But somehow it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   In relationship with you in a picture

   First post

   It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

   Just accidentally swiped right on my ex's profile while scrolling through Tinder. My thumb must have been possessed by the ghost of relationship past. Had to perform some emergency thumb CPR to swipe left!

   Math back in the day: 2x+4=10. Find X Math today: If Karen buys 16.5 hamsters, but four of them eat each other, and two spontaneously combust, how many carrots will it take for them to shut up and let me sleep?

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.