Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son ain’t gonna have to sneak no hoes in. Bring them bi**ches in son

   don’t invite me to your crib if you got fake oreos. WTF is “Creme Betweens”

   When you both say goodnight & run into each other at the bar 😭

   WELP, ANOTHER DAY I DIDN’T USE a²+b²=c²

   I gotta stay off indeed .. I got a interview at 5:30 to be a pastor

   Johnny Depp could have avoided this entire mess if he had simply issued an Amber alert.

   A Facebook friend posted a photo of her and her sisters. I asked her if it was a Weight Watchers meeting....... Apparently we're no longer friends.

   In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. In the middle of opportunity lies me, taking a nap.

   eah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it, so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

   I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before.

   The parking lot at Clown College only has one space.

   “Do you moan or cuss?” Depends on how good the food is, usually both.

   Playing truth of dare and they dare you to go home.

   Tell your friends you love them. Tell them a lot. Make it weird.

   Sleep hits different when you’re not supposed to be sleeping.

   You’re lying if you say you’ve never let a game controller vibrate on your crotch.

   On a date with my crush, trying so hard not to fart.

   “All girls are the same.” Yeah, none of them want you.

   For those who haven't a clue, today's subway shooting did not occur at a sandwich shop.

   Life is fork, I am soup