Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're going to post before and after pics of your weight loss journey, the least you can do is post the pic of you gaining it all back.

   Asked the produce guy if I could try a grape. He said he wouldn’t care if I lit the store on fire with him in it.

   Gas prices keep getting higher, but it still tastes the same.

   They should have a restaurant where you can lay down.

   The next person to walk out of my life I’m going with them. I’m sick of my crap too.

   Girls think 50 times before buying lipstick but always choose the wrong guy.

   If you’re taller than 6 foot, your pronouns are fi-fi-fo-fum.

   If you’re shorter than 4 foot your pronouns are, eeny-meeny-miny-moe.

   Keep your relationship private so you can have two.

   Next week has been exhausting.

   Remember kids, if she has an apple, she has a banana.

   Dat funny right dere

   If you pay $5 a beer at the bar shut yo ass up about gas prices

   I miss when Facebook let us be mean af to eachother

   When she's hot but she can't cook... Ok, Kim DoorDashian.

   ima sucker for deep talks... I wanna know what made you a lying ass bi**h...

   Bank account: $1401.23 Me at the car dealership: where are the f350 platinums

   Stop selling family farms to build cheap spec home subdivisions.

   By the time I have a kid everyone else’s kids gon be 15😭

   Them cicis brownies with the sprinkled cocaine on top so f**king g fire