Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor needed a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.

   I'm not the best chess player who ever lived, but some people don't even know how to move a pawn. It's pretty straightforward.

   I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening... and then have to start all over again.

   Our parents invented fondue parties, which was just inviting your friends over to eat cheese-and I can't express how disappointed I am in us that we let that tradition slip by.

   Don't block all of your haters. Leave one or two so they can report back to headquarters.

   If you say "Why does the military get a day but gay people get a month" only during june and not in January, February, March, April, May, July, August, September, October, November or December, you don'yt care about the military, you arre just homophobic

   PRIDE: If your identity is solely tethered to your sexual preference and the need to crow about it, you have bigger issues than which hole you like.

   McDonald's New Big Mac Slogan: “Two Paper-Thin, Not Convinced They're Actual Beef Patties, Ketchup/Tarter Sauce Combo, Pale Lettuce, Fake Cheese Product, Pickles, Rehydrated Onions on a Miniscule Sesame Seed Bun.”

   When you're at Lowes and hear "Special assistance needed in the blind cutting area" I would hope so... That sounds dangerous...

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I watched Biden speak🤪

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch really isn't that bad. It's kind of manly, makes us feel like we are out camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   Someone said we're a garage band. I replied, "Dad, you know very well that we rehearse in the carport."

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got social media.

   Short, bald, overweight man with missing teeth and no money, tired of being ignored by women, seeks a lady who is not superficial, materialistic or judgmental. Must be hot.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   I had a dream I was at work. I woke up and called in because I ain't working twice.

   I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of change at me. Like yes, I know you have more money than I do, no need to brag about it.

   The three stages of life: Wanting stuff... Accumulating stuff... Getting rid of stuff.

   Men marry a woman, hoping she's a nymphomaniac, and in a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.