Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

   A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

   Best moment to sleep: 5% - in the evening, 95% - in the morning.

   The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here

   420, remember to leave out milk and cookies for Willie Nelson and Snoop Dog..

   My wife is a s3x object. Every time I want to have s3x, she’ll object.

   If I do a job in 30 minutes, it’s because it took me 25 years to learn how. You owe me for the years, not the minutes.

   Cats have 32 muscles in each ear to help them ignore you.

   Her: Say something hot. Him: Burn in hell.

   When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.

   The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.

   Dang Gurl, are you an appendix? Because this feeling in my gut makes me want to take you out.

   Tact ~ The ability to tell someone to go to hell and they look forward to it.

   Your guitar is out of tuna. ~ Cat

   Planning an exotic vacation with $12.50 in the bank.

   You know how food is supposed to taste good? Let’s make it not like that. ~ The British

   Being famous on social media is like being rich in Monopoly.

   Tell us more about your welp...

   Summer, Spring, Winter and Welp

   If you've ever used the word welp, there's no need for the rainbow flag.