Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

   To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

   Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

   I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

   Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’

   Bacon and eggs along with Toast all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

   Does the term don't drop the soap in jail apply to women prisons?

   to the lady with all the hot selfies who claims she could steal my husband if she wanted... I will have him ready for you at 2

   I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

   Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?” Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

   Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.

   Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

   Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

   It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance.

   A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

   Life begins at 40, so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

   The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

   If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

   Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.