Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people need to avoid touching two faces.

   Landline phones never get destroyed in washing machines.

   At the end of my appointment, the doctor took his own blood pressure.

   Milk comes from cows, not almonds or other hippy lifestyle products.

   Why don’t you take a break from disappointing me.

   I’m so old, I remember when people were well mannered.

   There is no such thing as having too much cheese.

   There are two ways of doing things, my way or the wrong way.

   My current mood would not get a good Yelp review.

   You think putting a pineapple ring on a canned ham is baking? No wonder your cat left you.

   Please keep your opinions and microdroplets to yourself.

   Deep Rock Galactic

   Sandstorms? Nahson.. It's called, crunchy sandwiches for a week

   What if Sam Kinison were still alive.. And someone tried to assault him onstage?

   How will people learn from their mistakes without other people to tell them "I told you so"?

   Did you hear about the boat that sunk on the 5th of May that had all that mayonnaise on it? It was called, Sinko the Mayo.

   In a world full of hate, Be Kind.

   Travel and tell no one. Live a true love story and tell no one. Live happily and tell no one. People ruin beautiful things.

   Sometimes, not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

   When someone tells you to hang on, but you hang up because you didn’t want to talk to them anyway.